The Moment – a poem

Even tho I had no real relief from my suffering for another couple months until I had my first ERCP from John Martin in late Jan/2011, I  endured better. From that moment on I began to find it in me to go to bible study meetings with my sister’s church group. At the end they would pray for me and I would pray with them. That community along with several other prayer communities added much appreciated power for me to meet each new day and more importantly each night…for nights were always the hardest. 7/11/19

The Moment

Day after day,

Week after week,

Month after month,

With only my body bag holding on

To a mere thread of frayed connection

To an invisible source.

Only able to sleep

I don’t know how…

Probably at sheer exhaustion

For an hour in a day,

Unable to find the least comfort in temperature

Or position

My skin erupting like bubbling lava

Unquenched.

I’m tired

So tired,

I yell out

Sometimes in anger

Usually in piteous moan

What could I have possibly done

What could my father have possibly done

To deserve this fate?

My voice more and more

Fills an empty chamber,

Turns hallow

Eventually speaking not a word.

God can’t be listening

I have lost most everything

But this one breath.

I seem so close to an end, 

I have let go so completely

that it clearly seems

That a final one 

Was a vexing choice

And in the vexing place

transformed to so sweet a spot.

and in that so sweet a spot,

I stood in a threshold 

With suffering behind me 

And I know not what before me.

There was a peace waiting 

And I choose to take another breath

and another

and another until 

I don’t choose anymore

Whatever came came.

Meaning incredibly returned.

There was no fight

Only a sweet act of will. 

It didn’t matter one way or the other.

 

About this time last year I committed…

About this time last year I committed to making a serious attempt at writing a memoir about my faith journey over the last 6+ years that began with the period of a liver disease where it’s failure became, let’s say, obvious. I took a 6 week workshop in memoir writing through one our local literary groups called the Log Cabin. I began to realize the scope of what this might become and the immensity of this project. I began reading much more earnestly and deeply. Reading first for pleasure and connection to various memoirists mostly, then with some I began to reread to see as much as my inexperienced eye could gather about style and form but in that I began to discover ‘voice’. Each author had a certain voice that either connected or not to me. Or maybe only sometimes would connect. My early writings were geared to finding my voice. Turns out that is an ongoing wonderment.

Now having been ‘at it’ for a while with relatively brief moments of inspirational writing, I began to pile up a number of short pieces, notes, lists, themes, etc..  I then found a writer’s app that was recommended and will do for the project (Schrivner).

A latter spring and summer was filled with starts and stops. In the fall I began various substitute teaching assignments as I get closer to finding a sweet spot of income generation and meaningful work but with some time freedom for writing. Not totally there yet but it is improving almost daily toward this sweet spot.

I have taken on with the teaching a real mental and physical stretch with being in radically different settings with kids and schools. I’ve interacted with K-12 students in PE, almost any type of class I can think of, special ed, playground and recently coaching basketball after school. I have challenged myself with learning without instruction how to play sudoku. My goal was to be able to finish the most challenging level at least once. Thankfully, it is pretty common now. Then I got it in my head that maybe doing logic puzzles would be another good way to keep my mind hopefully learning/expanding. Over the holiday time I did master a set of puzzles that said I had achieved 12th grade level expert status. What a carrot I put out there! Now I found another set of puzzles that have rendered me almost ‘stupid’. What used to be a fun challenge is now a bang my head against the wall deal. Now I see why some people used to look at me like I was ‘stupid’…I apparently was!

Also, over the holidays I set a goal of completing 6-8 pages of script that at the very least indicated to me that this project was possible, worth the effort and had potential. I was able to write over 3000 words and much of what will most likely be chapter one. I’m hoping within a month, I’ll be willing to share it with a few people to get their feedback. I am interested if it carries enough compulsion to read it and a voice that is distinctive of the ‘moi’ in memoir.

And I hope to make some entries from now on in this new improved blog from the light of these new developments, and much less about my medical condition and coping mechanisms.

Cheers and thanks for listening.

The mission is to bring a story to light that will take the reader on a life time journey and tell a journey of faith and its lack as loss and disease beset almost my entire life with various resurrections and how I learned to respond.