God @ work. God @ work. Sometimes I think God has the easy part. There is a lot of work involved, real work…but it seems I’m the one doing all the work! It’s not that I envy the Creator side and the management side, I’m just saying.
We, and I include myself more than anyone, have many ideas of who, what, where, and why God is. There is clearly a long-standing drive within me/us that looks deeper, higher, and in all times for meaning and explanation for whatever Is and what was. There is no better a mystery thriller than a life on the planet. It’s not a quick read either…it continues unfolding. A friend of mine, Steve Bhaerman a.k.a. Swami Beyondananda who also goes by the moniker, the Cosmic Comic says, “We are all unique…just like everybody else.” It’s a different story for every person. Many people may not think they have a very good story to tell but my experience leads me to not believe anyone who tells me that. When I get people to talk about themselves, it’s almost always crazy and almost always crazy amazing (and sometimes unbelievable) even when they don’t think so.
I just watched an episode of The Twilight Zone, maybe #23 or so with Pam Curry here on the solstice 12.21.18. It was about a man who contracted an alchemist 2000 yrs ago to make him not age while the everyone else’s lifespan came and went. He forever adapted to the changes in culture and clothes yet he never gained any real wisdom and died at the hand of an ex-wife who he jilted for yet another young woman. None of this matters except that it got me to think of my situation. Except for the miracle of transplant and Roni, the love and mission of being here for my daughter, Clare, and the love and support of so many, I should have died 4 yrs ago.
Here I am still living in this body albeit with some new and challenging plumbing but my mind still works, my body still works relatively the same as before BUT I should have died or passed on 4 years ago! How has what has happened changed me? What am I doing with this new life? Is this a “do over”? Is this a sign by God that I am to be something different from what I was? Should I do something different with my time? Use my experience to some new use? Develop something new? New insight? New realization? Another opportunity for…what?
Here I am 4 yrs out and what have I to show for it? What does it mean? Granted I am making attempts to write a memoir. I’ve renewed my membership at the Y. I still have the phone number from before transplant. I’ve joked about being 4 yrs old this last summer not the 70 I ‘would have been’ or am.? I sometimes struggle to write something meaningful when in fact everything is meaningful. Sometimes I have a fuller realization of this, however most times it is intellectual abstraction. I can’t deny that I am different in some ways. Certainly more grateful. Most times more easy to talk about God, my mortality, my journey, my life with Clare mostly, and how dedicated I am to earning enough to pay for her final year of college. I am doing my part with my faith community pitching in on the operations, contributing to discussions and caring for others, tithing when it certainly didn’t make sense to and now making more and not actually tithing ‘enough’, whatever that means.
I settle into my work as a sports official with a certain joy but it’s not over-the-top in any way that might be obvious to others. I am a Uber/Lyft driver. It is a beautiful way to flow with people and do a bit of service, make a few impressions quietly in the few moments we share in the sanctity of my quiet little Prius. I don’t really know if it’s that more special than any other kind person driving out there. I do have people crying and grieving and telling me very personal stuff sometimes. I have had spontaneous prayer sessions in my car. My journey of miraculous transplant comes up from time to time and gives reason for riders to pause. Sometimes my car takes on a unexpectedly therapeutic mission.
My life in general is pretty amazing yet not really. Not so really deep down fundamentally, crazy amazing that I am making profound statements everywhere I go with everyone I meet kind of crazy amazing.
I am living within my means. Not taking any risks. Slowly rising up and getting more able to maybe do more things besides putting money aside for Clare. I keep telling myself and others my plans to finish Clare’s education with the sub-plan that in the spring when I’ll be done, I’ll then devote a full time writer’s dedication to writing. My life is still on the edge of uncertainty almost as much as before. My liver enzymes are and have been wacky again after two yrs of normalcy. What if I die a miserable death from these complications before I get my ‘oh-so-amazing’ writing out?? Then what?